So Valerie and I had a call the other day with a soon-to-be-married couple. After all the excitement and joy of the conversation, there was a pause. They quietly shared something that broke my heart a little.
Their families were stressed. Not because of wedding planning (though that’s always a little chaotic), but because they didn’t know what to do at a queer wedding. They had never attended one before and felt unsure.
Then the couple told us something that cracked my heart wide open.
They said, “We don’t even know how to plan a queer wedding. The world taught us how to plan a straight wedding… but not this.”
Oof.
When Valerie and I got married, we never once questioned if our wedding was “normal.” Because for us, it was. We were just two people in love, ready to celebrate with our community. But that’s the thing. So many people grow up never seeing queer joy. Never seeing queer weddings. Never seeing their love mirrored back to them.
So let’s talk about it.
You’ve been invited to a queer wedding. You are someone special. Your presence is a gift. Here’s how to show up in a way that makes your friends feel safe, celebrated, and loved.
🌿 Green Flags: Things to Say and Do
Ask for pronouns and use them correctly
Even if you’ve known someone for years, don’t assume. Ask. Listen. Practice. If you mess up, correct yourself and move on with love.
Celebrate the couple without comparing
“This is the most you two thing I’ve ever seen!” > “Wow, this is so different from normal weddings.” See what we did there? One celebrates their uniqueness. The other accidentally centers a default.
Compliment the joy, not the tradition
Don’t worry about the dress or the suit or the aisle-walking logistics. Compliment the vibe. The energy. The look on their faces. Trust us, that’s what matters most.
Dance. Like, actually dance
Yes, your friends want you to dance. Your energy on the dance floor isn’t just a good time. It’s participation in their joy. Be bold. Be silly. Be there.
Be fully present
Put the phone down unless you’re snapping a sweet pic for the couple. Celebrate with your heart, not through your Instagram stories.
🚩 Gentle Red Flags: What to Avoid
- Don’t ask “Who’s the bride?” or “Who’s the man in the relationship?” (Nope. Just nope.)
- Don’t joke about being confused or overwhelmed
- Don’t treat the wedding like a novelty or political statement
- Don’t assume you’re owed details about coming out, gender identity, or medical history
- Don’t bring your weird coworker who “loves drag” unless they’re actually invited
💛 Final Thoughts: Show Up With Love
Queer weddings are not lesser. They are not confusing. They are not “different but still beautiful.” They are weddings. Full stop.
But more than that, they are often healing.
They are sacred celebrations that say, “We made it.” In a world that tried to convince many of us that love like this wasn’t possible, or welcome, or worthy… your friends are choosing joy anyway.
So be there. Be kind. Dance like hell.
And if you ever feel unsure, come back to this:
Does what I’m doing make the couple feel celebrated, safe, and seen?
If yes, you’re doing amazing, sweetie.
Love is love. And your queer besties are so lucky to have you.
Want more inclusive wedding tips or need help planning your own queer celebration?
📸 Let’s chat over here!
P.S. We’re Valerie and Adeline — married, queer, and here to help you have the most joyful, affirming wedding ever.
